Amy Schumer

Normally the only thing you’ll find in my car are some wrappers, pre-sucked candies, and maybe a sock. Today, I was greeted by Amy Schumer who proceeded to call me her bitch and demanded I bring her to work with me

“This isn’t your car Amy,” I said. “And I’m not your driver.”

She pouted and drooled a little.

“Are you drunk?” I ask

“YUP!” she hollered then slammed the seat into a steep recline. “Let’s go to WORK bitch!” she cackled.

“Remember what happened the last time I brought you to work?”

Amy yanked the lever to bring the seat upright and slammed her forehead into the dash.

“Nothing happened! And I think I’m blind. Am I blind? What’s happening?”

I took an old napkin from the console, tore off the bit with mustard, and dabbed at the blood on her face. “Yes, Amy. Something did happen. You stuck a sign on my cubicle that said Just Because She’s Old Doesn’t Mean Her Vagina is Garbage.”

“Because it’s not! Your vag….”

“You have to get out. I’m already late for work.”

“I don’t have a place to go!”

“You don’t have a keeper? Someone to lock you up at night?”

“I don’t have to take this shit,” Amy cried and fumbled for the door handle. The second she stumbled out I put the car in reverse. I was just about to squeal my tires when I noticed what Amy was wearing. I lowered the window.

“Are those my pants?” I shouted. “How the hell did you get my pants!” I could tell they were mine because I’m way shorter than Ames and definitely way thinner.

“Nope! They’re mine. They’re capris I’ll have you know!”

Capris my ass, I thought.

“I’m phoning your sister. She needs to come get you!” I threatened.

“No! Take me to work with you! I’ll sleep in the trunk like last time.”

Trying to reason with drunk Amy is pointless so I took off and left her crying in my driveway. When I got home from work later that night she was gone, but I could tell she’d hung out for a while because she’d taken some chalk and wrote YOU HAVE CHEAP CAPREEZE AND A CHEAP VAGINA. NOPE. I’M SORRY. FRIENDSIES?

I shook my head and went inside, hungry for a good meal. As I went about preparing dinner, I couldn’t help wonder….where the hell did she get chalk?

 

The end

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